Is this a cliche? In the beginning of a relationship, haven't we all been hopeless and said to ourselves that he/she is the one? There are so many factors as to why an overwhelming percentage of relationships/marraiges end up as failures. At the top of my head the ones that stand out are jealousy, money, lonliness and adultery. What about True Love? If it exists, does it get you through the tough times, or do we just suck it up and fight through it? I think it's a little of both. All I can offer is my perspective which is guided by my belief in Christianity which it's teachings help me through all aspects of my life.
When I go through troubles with my wife, I always think back to that first day we met. Of course we all go by our attraction first, and yes my wife was and still is beautiful. But what struck me that day was her sincerity, shyness and laugh. I don't believe in Love at First Sight, but what I do believe is that there is a connection at first sight. After that connection it is up to us to see where it goes. We decide what matters to us most. Is it sex? Is it conversation? Is it their looks? At that time, I didn't care for faith or a belief in God. And for the record, you don't need to have a faith in anything to have a loving and successful relationship. My belief and knowledge however tells me that our connections are put here for us. How we move forward with them is for us to decide and every decision leads us in a direction in our continued journey.
After that first day, my Wife and I talked all the time and got to know each other to the point where both of us would consider each other good friends. I knew I loved her when we were friends and I'm thankful that she took a chance on me and we have what I would call a fantastic marraige with wonderful Children.
Obviously over time, I became to Know God and take up a huge interest in learning the Teachings of Christ. What I have learned from those teachings regarding not just my Marraige but relationships in general was an eye opener. I have time and again spoken and written about the neccessity to follow the Two Most Important Commandments in order to understand and follow the teachings. You start to understand what the route of the problems are in relationships. It's insecurity. As humans, it's natural for us to be insecure about a lot of things. When that insecurity shows itself, usually it's accompanied by actions that we regret. The Teachings help in giving you that security you need. Before the detractors mention after life, it's not about that. I'm not heading there in this post. The security is Love. When Love is the characteristic that guides you in your life with everyone, what do you have to be insecure about? People will break that unconditional trust. People will take advantage of that Love, but the Teachings already tell you that may happen, and under no circumstances are you to let selfishness and ego get in the way.
Why? Because more often than not, people will react the way you treat them. This is no different in Reltionships. Again, Atheists, Agnostics and people from all faiths have successful marraiges and relationships. What I am talking about is understanding them. And the Teachings when followed correctly gives you that understanding.
I don't know if there is such a thing as True Love, but what I do know, is that Love is True.
10 comments:
Botts,
Wow...I could not agree with the body of this post any more if I were a born again, bible waving, baby baptising preacher.
You have touched me here ( not THAT way ;-).
It's kind of like the golden rule...be good to each other.
You and your wife are lucky to have each other :-)
great post botts. i agree with mac, you and your wife are very lucky to have each other.
i think you really hit the nail on the head when you said insecurity is the root of the problem in relationships. i've seen this first hand, not only with my own relationships, but especially in my mother's many marriages.
my mom is currently on her 5th marriage. my dad was her second husband and they divorced when i was just a toddler. my first step-father was a really great guy and she divorced him when i was 7. then she immediately moved in with my second step-father, another really great guy, and they were married a short time later. then they got divorced when i was 18 and about a month later she married her current husband, who i don't even consider to be my step-father.
sometimes my mom says she is happy, but i think deep down she isn't. they argue a lot, over the same things. i truly believe she is never really going to be happy in any relationship until she finds out who she is. it's like she is empty inside and instead of looking for the love she needs to fill that void within herself she searches for it externally. she defines herself by the man she's with.
i'm not a christian, but i think when people say god found them or they found god it basically means they found acceptance within themselves and they found love for who they are. and i think when you have love for yourself it's a lot easier to accept other people for who they are, receive their love and give love in return.
insecurities not only hurt us in good relationships, but a lot of times are the reason we ever even get involved in bad relationships in the first place. this is what has happened with my mom. she was so insecure that she jumped into relationships with men that weren't right for her.
i've been guilty of the same thing. i would cling to relationships that were obviously chaotic with guys that were also very insecure themselves. and once i started to look inward for love and acceptance i was able to let go of a lot of those insecurities. instead of clinging to a relationship i knew wasn't going to work i was able to move on and know it was the right decision.
now i'm happily engaged to a great guy and i know that i deserve to be happy. my past experiences were an opportunity for me to learn from my mistakes and prepare me to better deal with situations in the future. and one of the things i've learned is this: when trust triumphs over insecurity, that's love. and while it may seem there is a lot to lose in loving someone, it's a much greater loss to never love with all your heart. even if it means being completely vulnerable.
Every time Emma and I have an argument it is her fault.
I try to steer the argument towards 'arguing about arguing'. She uses mockery AND she hates mockery being used on her.
How many times has she said, "I never said it like that!"? Your guess is as good as mine.
But, 1) Emma takes thousands of dollars 'worth' of medication.
2)She gets a 'drip' at the hospital every two weeks 'designed' to boost her 'energy'.
3)Gosh darn it! She LIKES a 'good argument'.
4)She's a 'worrier' and she has good reason to worry and of course there is nothing to be gained by worrying.
5)The 'subtexts' of these arguments include all of the above and an, "I want to be angry so there!", attitude which 'goes very nicely with my, "But I don't want to argue, and here's why!" attitude.
The argument rolls down to the LCD PDQ, "We don't get along, why are we even together?", and, "Why are we even together, we don't even get along!?"
I 'argue' patiently, and 'all too logically'(for her) that we DO get along until she fires up a silly argument!
Which invites the 'comeback', "Sure, it's ALWAYS my fault!", in a sarcastic tone, and faced with sarcasm, 'what-to-do-what-to-do'?
Silence encourages more sarcasm and mockery... so mockery-back-at-ya!.. which invites a good old-fashioned, "I never said it like that!", basically meaning, "I'm allowed to mock you, but YOU are NOT allowed to mock me back!"
How do I KNOW that it is not me?
Well here's the bare bones of a good story(I'm not writing a book here).
Emma had to quit drinking.
So she demonized my drinking.
Drinking(she claimed) was the root of arguing.
We'd argue and argue from the moment that the first sip of rum hit my lips.
What to do?
Set a 'trap'.
I got the rum.
Waited 'til the inevitable argument started. Let the argument simmer for 20 minutes.
Then while she is proclaiming victoriously that BOOZE is the root of these arguments, which are entirely concerned with me 'drinking and arguing' I sprang the 'trap'
I showed her the bottle of rum, unopened.
Scientific evidence.
Hey, Botts!
Your post here and the Christian ethic of loving your neighbor you're always talking about make sense when taken together this way, even to a hardcore atheist such as myself. I have theree ex-wives, all of whom are non-religious. I'm not opposed to maybe getting married again, if the right girl comes along, but Damn!
I think most people in America are too self-absorbed to truly love anyone besides themselves, if they even go that far.
I thought, "maybe I should find a good CHristian girl..." but the mental picture I got of trolling through churches seemed pretty sleazy, and I won't turn myself into a hypocrite for love's sake.
What's an atheist to do, I wonder...?
Harvey...
Solution number: 451
Fake suicide!
(actually just wanted to see how this pic looked)
... think I'll go back to the 'real' PBF no matter what.
There... that's better.
Sorry for calling you Harvey, Ed, got mixed up bouncing back and forth!
Floyd,
I was wondering if that was for me...LOL. I like the bird better, too.
Great post, Botts. I "truly love" it. :-)
Me again, Botts,
Yes it is a cliche.
That in no way makes it no less true.
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